I know you’re all dealing with all the shit in your lives and don’t need anybody else’s crap to take care of. So I’ll try to keep this short and to the point.
The last couple of months, especially the last three days, were disillusioning to me. I thought I’d be appreciated by most people in this little community, but I had to learn that way more people than I thought are holding a grudge against me - which is probably to be expected for someone who is exposed like me, even if it’s more or less inadvertently.
Of course, I have flaws, one of them being too sensitive against criticism I personally feel is unfair and not fact-based. And I’m easily butt-hurt and do overreact if I feel attacked for unwarranted reasons (in my pov). Much of what happened is the direct consequence of these flaws.
Looking back, I guess my biggest “mistake” is to stand up for beliefs and people I think are treated unfairly as well. The world is hardly ever black and white, but people love to separate the world into people they adore and those, they hate. It’s too much work to try to understand why a person does what they do, if it’s not in line with what you believe in yourself, they must be evil and need to be hated.
It turned out now, that this is exactly what happened to me as well.
On the internet, a few people start to escalate their dislike of people, they reiterate and exaggerate claims about them, some of them true, most based on questionable facts but many simply made up, just because they can and it gives them a feeling of power. Soon many other people start to believe them and the person that is the target of the campaign is finally marked as an asshole. That’s now what happened to me too in our small community, at least from my perspective. And no one stepped in, everyone just allowed it to happen.
And that’s what really disappoints me, there seems to be very little support from other people, most just don’t care enough and don’t want to get involved - they have enough shit to deal with in their own lifes. Even the people who I thought were on my side don’t do much or anything at all. People are free to spill their hate and lies about me and what I did, with no intervention by people who should know it’s been different.
In the end, they say “hey, it’s just an opinion, and we have freedom of speech”. That this freedom should end where you falsely accuse somebody else doesn’t seem to register.
Now I feel like a pariah. It’s not even possible to interact with people in a normal way, under the shroud of anonymity everyone takes for granted on the net, because in the end people know me too well and figure me out - just because I am who I am. And then the shit starts all over again.
So I’ve lost almost all online friends with very few exceptions. I got disillusioned on who is really willing to stand up for somebody in such a situation if that would cost them a lot of energy and probably some reputation themselves. It turned out that it’s practically nobody (apology to the very few persons who at least tried with little success).
Butt-hurt as I always react in such situations, I’ve run away in frustration. I’ve cut all ties to this community. My Discord account “Martin” is gone now, and so all “friend-relations” to that account are canceled automatically in case anyone is wondering.
The fact that people take this website for granted, and like 99% are not involved in that drama at all, forces me to go on, even though I really just want to bury myself in a hole right now. I’ve got my own private issues to deal with, which are serious enough and which have to take precedence
But my mind revolves around this community 24 hours a day, what happened, what I did wrong, what I should have done, that nobody is reaching out to me, and so on. That is really unhealthy and has to stop.
If I could, I would just walk away, leave this whole community behind, and start from scratch. Many other people just do that in such a situation, but I don’t have that option. People who hate me personally still use this site, publish their stories, and take my service for granted. And that’s their right, whether I like it or not.
But I needed to get all this off my chest, and that’s why I wrote this text, probably hurting myself even more as a consequence, because I put my weaknesses on display for everyone to just shit even more on me. I’m not looking for sympathy or understanding, but those people willing to put their energy into this site and keep it running deserve to know why I currently don’t have the power and will to engage myself as I usually do.
My own life, which has its own challenges, will take precedence for a while.
