Feedback: Palmsville Motel

Hi all, I was working on a short first story (of hopefully a series) today while sick. This will be my first story on the site. Could I have some feedback? I’m sort of new to the mind control fetish and really enjoy the ‘aware’ tag.

The following is a short story about a bodybuilder who gets paralyzed and frozen:


Darwin dipped his fingers into the water. The jets of the hot tub swirled warm streams and bubbles around them. He stared as a wispy trail of his body bronzer left the tips of his fingers and disappeared underneath the turbulence, dissolving.

He took a hot shower after the competition. He thought he got all of it.

He rubbed his fingers against the nape of his neck again, brushing against the base of his hair.

Some of it got caught in his hair, he thought staring at the faint streak of bronzer on his fingers. He dipped them again, rubbing both hands underwater. He slid down into the tub and leaned his head back. There were no stars in the sky and it made the orange-hued accent lights around the pool area warmer.

It compliments the weather, he thought.

Darwin’s eyes lazily darted from one corner to the other. He heard shuffling footsteps coming from behind. One of the hotel’s staff came into view a few seconds later with a drink in hand.

It took a few seconds for his eyes to focus. “Oh hey! You’re the receptionist from the other day,” Darwin said blinking a few times. “Thanks again for letting me check in early.”

The hotel staff smiled and shook his head. “We weren’t busy,” he said, crouching and extending the drink to Darwin. “We’re not really within the Phoenix city limits so even with all the events and stuff, most people don’t want to stay all the way out here.”

That’s true. He regretted staying all the way out here. The amateur bodybuilding event drove up the prices for hotels, motels, and even airbnbs around the city. He thought he got lucky when he found a cheap motel but realized all the savings was spent on the ride to get to the venue. Probably spent more, he thought. He should’ve just paid more to stay closer… and for a motel that didn’t look like it violated safety laws.

But Darwin was raised right. He put on a big smile and made sure his eyes didn’t give him away. “The view is better out here,” he said grabbing the piña colada.

The staff member replied with one of those tight-lipped smiles customer service people do when they want to call your bullshit.

I don’t think he bought that, Darwin thought.

The staff member glanced between the iron fencing. “I guess…” he said turning back to Darwin. “There’s coyotes running around at night, hunting. Fun to watch, I guess.”

This is awkward. Darwin narrowed his eyes towards the staff member’s name tag. The dim light bounced off the glossy black finish. He took one sip of his drink - and of course the cup is made of plastic - and said, “How tall are you Mike?”

“Oh,” Mike said, taken aback, “about five foot five.”

“How old? Nineteen? Twenty?”


Darwin’s eyes scanned Mike from the messy red hair on his head down to his legs. The kid was thin with narrow shoulders but surprisingly thick thighs and calves. They stretched the thin dress pants Mike was wearing. “Man, I wish I was around your height,” he said taking another sip. “I’m 5’11 and developing my legs and gaining weight to get big was tough, man.”

That was a lie. He didn’t actually want to be short. He started working out four years ago primarily to get wider shoulders, large bulging muscles, and lots and lots of girls. The only reason he tried competing was because people said he should. But after posing in a tight speedo in front of a crowd, he realized that he was into it for the wrong reasons. Truth be told, he just liked attention and winning things. He enjoyed wearing the speedo more in this tub than in front of the stage.

“Never heard that before,” Mike replied with a grin. “I wish I was taller. People made fun of me growing up… and now.”

“Then you definitely want to get big.” Darwin took another sip. “If anyone makes fun of you,” he added, grimacing, “you hit them with these!” His arms flew from underwater to the side of his head, flexed.

Mike laughed, raising his arms to keep himself dry.

Darwin saw the redhead’s eyes scan him. He couldn’t help but flex a little and stretch out his broad-shoulders to look big. He was never a small guy. He played enough sport in highschool and college and ate enough to maintain a relatively heavy weight. He was on the fatter side but, at least in his mind, looked and felt strong. He remembered being called a ‘fuck bull’ by one of his girlfriends. After 26 though, he looked in the mirror and thought the bull was going to become a hog in his 30s. So, like any guy having a quarter-life crisis after a break up, he hit the gym to get a revenge body. Four years later, after a bland diet of chicken and vegetables, basically living in the gym, and with a little bit of juice, he didn’t only felt strong, he looked like it. Darwin let out a chuckle as he let his arms drop underwater. The sudden weight made some of the water overflow.

“How do I get started?” Mike asked, standing up. “Any tips from a pro?”

Darwin’s head followed the young hotel staff as he rose. “For beginners, just find a routine you like and eat a lot of protein.”

“Sorry!” A voice boomed from behind by the pool. Darin turned his head and saw a man sitting by the edge of the pool with a woman between his legs in the water. “Can we get an extra towel?” He forgot there’s other people around.

“Thanks, man,” Mike said. “Lift weights and eat protein!”

“Yea,” Darwin growled. “Get big and punch bullies!”

Mile laughed. “I have to go do my job but see you around. Let me know if you need another drink. Next one is on the house.” He turned briefly to the bodybuilder. “Just don’t tell the manager. He’s the one with the bushy moustache.”

Darwin nodded. “Promise.” Darwin took another sip as he watched Mike walked away. A sharp cold jolt climbed from his throat to his brain. Brain freeze! He put down the nearly finished drink on the ledge of the tub and splashed warm water on his face. Most of it missed. He took a deep breath and dunk his head underwater. The jets and bubbles felt nice. The Arizona weather was warm like his home state of California but very, very humid. Everything felt sticky if you expose it long enough in the air. He rose from the water slowly, letting his arms stretch and rest on the ledge and leaned his head back. He looked at the starless sky and close his eyes. Can’t wait to go home, he thought taking one deep breath.

Then, he felt the water move. He must have fallen asleep. His ears were still adjusting and the sound of the water moving around became clearer. Somebody joined in. He could feel body heat. This person was sitting too close. His eyes fluttered open.

A rough hand was caressing his thigh, brushing against the edge of the speedo near his crotch.

He couldn’t move his body. His heart began to pound and his breathing got shallower. Move your fingers, he yelled in his head. He tried to speak but his lips didn’t move. Move! His eyes darted left and right. His head was still leaning on the edge with his arms spread out. He tried to focus on getting a good image of the person at the corner of his vision. Turn your fucking head. Darwin could still hear the couple by the pool. Hey!

Nothing. He couldn’t yell outside of his head. His whole body was relaxed… paralyzed. His eyes bulged open and strained as he fixated on the figure sitting right next to him.


It sounded like a man.
“Sssh, it’s okay.”

It was! Darwin took a sharp breath. He could make out a smaller man sitting right next to him with his limited peripheral vision. Holy shit! He’s heard of this. They drug you then take out your organs!

The hand cupped his crotch.

Darwin could only grunt. If he could, he would’ve furrowed his eyebrows. What the fuck?

“Hefty,” the man said. “Most guys your size have a small dick and even smaller balls from juicing.” The man’s hand rubbed his crotch going low enough to light rub his taint through the speedos. “Very nice.”

Darwin narrowed his eyes and growled… well, attempted to. It came out more like an exasperated breath.

The man turned to look behind him. “I think you’re out of luck. Those two seem to be busy and we’re far enough.” Darwin felt the man’s face close to his and felt hair brushing against his cheeks.

A moustache? He widened his eyes and pushed his eyes to the corner as much as he could. He could make a man with a deep tan and some wrinkles on the sides of his eyes. Bushy eyebrows matched the thick moustache on his lips.

The man pulled his hand upward travelling from Darwin’s crotch to his abs and ending on his left pec. Darwin felt his pec being cupped and squeezed. “Very nice.” The man’s finger tickled his nipple.

A whimper escaped Darwin’s throat.

The man moved back to lean against the tub, letting his hand fall back to rubbing Darwin’s crotch. “Mike told me about you when you checked in. You know, when he said he’ll talk to the manager when you wanted to check in early.”

Mike? Manager? Darwin’s mind was racing. He was very confused. This has to be a dream. Maybe he drank too much?

The manager squeezed Darwin’s junk, grabbing dick and balls.

The bodybuilder whimpered more.

“You like that big guy?” the manager said letting go.
Not at all. Darwin did not like what was going on at all. He wanted to swing his arms and give the crazy guy next to him a black eye.

The manager chuckled and resumed caressing Darwin’s crotch. “I peaked out the blinds of my office and saw you. You were sweating through that white t-shirt and those jeans looked like they were about to rip. I told Mike we gotta play with you, you know.”

Fucking Mike was on this? How the fuck are they doing this?

“Don’t worry big guy,” the manager said moving his hand back to Darwin’s thigh. “We don’t hurt people. We just like playing with hot guys, you know?”

Darwin felt the manager’s nails light rubbing against his thigh. “Do you shave?” the manager asked. His hands flung out of the water and landed on Darwin’s chest. “Prickly,” he added. “Nice. Maybe we’ll let it grow out.”

Grow out? Darwin tried to grunt louder. How long were these people gonna keep him? The hand fell underwater again back on his crotch. Hands off, fucker.

“Let’s see what you got.”

Darwin felt fingers tugging at the waistband of his speedo. The manager pulled the front down and tucked it in behind his balls. He felt his dick sway around moving with the jet streams.

“Nice,” the manager said wrapping his fingers around the Darwin’s meaty dick. “I want to see how thick you get when you get hard.” The man began to stroke.



Darwin wanted to scream but he remained frozen… except for his dick. He was starting to get hard.



He shifted his eyes to the sky above and stared.


“Good boy,” the man cooed as the frozen bodybuilder’s dick stood erect. “That’s pretty big. Mike’s gonna love playing with this,” he added, still pumping.

“Let’s see you cum.”

Darwin took a deep breath. The stroking went faster.



The jets, the warm water, and the fact that he hasn’t jerked off since he arrived because of how busy he was for the past few days was not helping.



Darwin growled from the base of his throat. His whole body flexed.



His dick pulsated as spurts of cum squirted into the water. He felt the managers hand come off.

“Wow! That was a lot.”

He felt the front of his speedo being untucked and put over his crotch.

“Alright. That was fun,” the manager said gently tapping Darwin’s crotch. “But I got some stuff to do. I am running a business you know,” he added rising from the water. “We’re gonna wait until those two in the pool leaves and Mike’s gonna come by and get you.”


“As far as we know,” the manager said, giggling, “you checked out tomorrow after your competition was over… drove back to California.” The manager rustled Darwin’s hair. “Play with you soon big boy.”

Darwin grunted and then whimpered.



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