Read and honest feedback

Hy guys.

Can I request some reads and feedback on my Latest Story

Can I get feedback especially on:

The quality of the work generally

It’s suitability for GKS/GSS

1 Like

I’ve bookmarked it for reading later. Please be patient, but I am curious :slight_smile:

I read your story. It did not develop as I thought it might. It was well constructed and not full of superfluous details. Understanding the Piratespeak at the beginning was a tad confusing but regular speech after that was fine. The Possession tag was correct but I’m not sure how I feel about the leader possessing the first man for so long. I’m assuming he was released at some point but it isn’t explained in the story. While it is slightly disconcerting to think that the men may so easily eliminate the native soul of the body they possess I can understand that a pirate is not the most moral of people to begin with. I think it works for GSS because of the Possession tag. The Death tag is valid to alert the reader that it is part of the plot although the act of dying does not constitute much of the action of the story. The description of the ethereal existence of the ghosts prior to the first possession was well done. Much thought was given as to how such a reality would manifest. As always you reveal sides of familiar memes in a new way. A very thoughtful rendering of the actions of three characters who, in life and death, were much less thoughtful.

Fun idea! There are several possession stories on the GSS site so it’s interesting to see each person’s take on the idea. (Unfortunately this builds up this reader’s expectations which is not always met by the next example of possession, but I recognize that’s my issue.)

I gather this is not exactly a first chapter but still a slightly fleshed out outline where more detail would be added should you choose to pursue this story.

I also found the pirate-speak a little difficult to follow, so I had to go slowly through the first portion of the story. I wonder what a person whose first language is not English would have to go through. (I don’t feel it’s my place to suggest, but I’ll do that anyway: perhaps more use of tell-tale works like “arrggh!”, "“ye” “thou” and less weird grammar might help. Think of Captain Hook in the musical version of Peter Pan. :slight_smile: )

There are also a couple of stories where the narrator is dead and - it must be my own learning disablement - it is never clear me what has happened until the narrator specially indicates that he’s dead. I wish it was clearer because I find that really frustrating with the result that I feel stupid, thinking that everyone else reading the story “gets it” except me. (It’s not always a bad thing; in a song like Beethoven’s Adelaide you find out the narrator is dead when half the song is done — but there the literary conceit is that the narrator’s love is more powerful than death.)

Until the very end I don’t see any reason to have sex - I find the plot much more interesting than sex which slows down the plot. Again, I’m sorry for my expectations, but there are other stories of possession where the spirit is surprised and amused at his new body and genitals and really takes some time to feel them, get to know them, and use them, sometimes comparing them to the ones he had when alive.

I gather that the three people are ghosts because of the Sondug Alruhi. I don’t know where you’re going with this but if it were, I wouldn’t make the item disintegrate, but maybe just break apart, which then the Captain tosses away. Centuries later when he discovers it’s something valuable, he with Paytr & Rats (I LOVE the name Rats!) have to possess guys who are strong enough to dig through several centuries worth of sediment - but then the problem is that the people they have possessed will know that they have found the item, so they have to possess people who are strong enough to dig but don’t know what they find (perhaps some children or teens) - but then since the place is now a tourist attraction, it’s probably illegal to dig so that creates another issue.

Despite my criticisms (I know I shouldn’t make suggestions) you can see that the plot really grabbed me. I’m not sure how to make sex more organic to such an intriguing plot, so I think of M. Greene’s stories (where the plot is usually much stronger than the sex) - maybe the pirates need to possess and turn the victims gay in order to achieve something. Perhaps the eventual “hero” is a closeted guy who comes to a new understanding of himself and the world about him (and becomes obsessed with pirates?). Thank you for sharing and I hope you chose to develop it! I definitely feel it qualifies for this site.

Thanks. and yes. (whoops edit,) I can’t talk about it here, becasue I don’t know how to do spoiler brackets here, but yes, we can chat about it ourselves.
Thanks for reading and for taking time to give me your thoughts.

Thanks for reading.
Again, I have no idea how to do spoiler brackets here, so I can’t answer your excellent points fully!

I tend to bury lore a lot, so a story like this stays 6.5k not like x2,x3,x4 that word count but no added… juice, you know?

For what it’s worth, I am not sure that the spoiler functionality exists on the forum here. I have tried many times to conjure this effect with various codes and none work. I shall bug Martin in the suggestions thread.

I’ve just added a spoiler functionality to the forum ([spoiler] … [/spoiler] or use the “Blur Spoiler” function in the editor’s “gear” menu)

By the power of the new spoiler function!

The contents of the box dissolved into the lagoon sand, making the lagoon the new soul prison.
If the box didn’t break it would have been “full of old ghosts” so to speak. (Easter egg; this is a hidden reason why the ship befell it’s calamity; It was the conscious doing of the artifact’s spectral inhabitants.) By breaking it, they released them, and the means of keeping souls tied or earth was spilled into the lagoon sand.

In time this might mean the effect might weaken, or, it might mean any who dies on the sands of the lagoon themselves become a ghost. I was gonna have Paytr (as a ghost) make this connection, but it was too much lore, in a story that was already like… 5k words of lore. It felt like I had already indulged myself enough and the commission was basically for the possession scene. The rest was elaborate dressing I wanted to drape around it. It could easily have been 10~15k

The Captain explains it in his conversation with the curator, he tells the curator not to seek out ‘He, Frank’ after his next trip to the lagoon, because he will find either a recluse or a wretch (i.e., Frank will be himself and probably experiencing trauma from being possessed for so many years), The Captain also says in his own mind—at the end of the conversation with the curator—that he could not wait to return to the lagoon to Payrt and Rats, and “leave this body”