The Losers

Now that the contest is over, what are people’s thoughts on my entry. What was hottest? What could have been better? Or sexier? (Based on ratings, apparently, I don’t do sex scenes well.) Is there interest in my continuing this? And if so, what would people like to see happen to the four Losers next?

It would be better if you link to your story. That makes it easier for people to answer your question… :slight_smile:

‘The Losers’ by Evelded - Gay Spiral Stories

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Woops! Thanks Martin!

My constructive criticism, please take it as it’s meant!

Doesn’t feel like an effective use of 3rd person. The intro of the characters isn’t compelling enough to justify taking up that much space at the beginning.

Mr. Devlin should feel more menacing and have some color and character to impress the reader and build real suspense. We don’t start to get a feel for him until we’re 1/3rd of the way through the story.

Once we do get to the character reveal, well he’s a petty dick and a creep. For a villain who traffics in demonic soul magic, bit of a let down.

Whole story feels kind of judgy about marijuana use. I don’t use it myself, but it’s noticible.

Once it gets into the punishment and sex, the story gets uncomfortable. This isn’t erotic. Feels meanspirited (and rapey, which can be hot but needs to be handled better). I get that forcing the characters to engage in homosexual acts without mentally wanting to is the punishment, but it would need to be written differently if you wanted to engage the reader rather than repelling them.

And that’s where I tapped out on this one. I definitely never want to see a gay pride tattoo inflicted as punishment in a story ever again.

Thanks for the comments. Those are all valid points. TBH, I’m not sure I know how to write an MC story that’s not “kind of rapey” since nonconsensual activities and especially nonconsensual sex are kind of baked into the premise. And for what it’s worth, I support MJ legilization, but I’ve also known people who threw away promising lives just to stay high all the time. As with all potentially addictive substances, marijuana is probably fine for most people, but the “stoner-loser” stereotype exists for a reason.

Honestly, I was kind of pushed for time due to real world commitments and banged this out over a weekend. Now that I can step back and look at it more closely, I see plenty of writing issues I would handle differently (such as the pride slogan tattoos). Originally, I was going to do something different with Hank involving make him involuntarily a sub to the other three, but I couldn’t get it to work on paper. The tattoo thing was a last minute addition. No offense was intended

I actually liked the tattoo idea! Just the idea of being branded essentially is always quite chilling. Being treated like livestock.

The main issue is that we all have to balance some darker themes while making it erotic, a knack I definitely don’t have down. Then again Hotness and Wanking are only 2 of the five categories.

You could always edit it out if you don’t like it, or have it magically removed at any time, only you know all the rules of the universe you created.

Actually, most of my writing is in the horror genre, so that sort of seems into what I post here. (My nym should be a giveaway about my entertainment preferences. :grinning: And since the site is about mind control, noncon body alteration, and sci-fi/magic, that’s just where my mind goes.